Channingography, part 4 - Jupiter Ascending (2015)

"Jupiter Ascending" is a sad story. Not because of the plot. That one is decidedly dark at its core, but the actual events unfolding are more or less lighthearted action. No, it's a sad story because of what happened. It's a big budget Sci-Fi movie by the Wachowski sisters, unrelated to any existing IP and based solely on their crazyly imaginary minds. Unfortunately, it's not good, and that's a shame. As a mini-tragedy inside this bigger waste, it stars Channing Tatum in its leading role (alongside Mila Kunis), and I'm not quite certain his career survived this hit. If Jupiter Ascending had been a smash, maybe Tatum's career would have profited as well. Who knows? 

But first things first, what is the plot? A cleaning lady (Mila Kunis) daydreams about a better future, as you do if you have a shitty job like that, so when a spacefaring werewolf with flying rollerblades (Channing Tatum) rescues her from a team of assassins and brings her to his old mentor (Sean Bean), who tells her she's the owner of the Earth, her life gets slightly disrupted. Because, see, the intergalactic One Percent own whole planets and farm them. The harvest is sentient beings, like us humans, and they're made into a very expensive ointment that provides life everlasting, which is why they had no problem seeding humanity on earth a few hundred millenia ago and waiting patiently until now. 

 

Well, now is now, and they want their harvest. As we learn, Mila Kunis is the genetic copy of one of the prospective owners of Earth, a particularily unsympathetic family of rich assholes (imagine Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and the Kochs being all in the same family), and she needs to be killed so they can take over. Space Werewolf Tatum and his team try to prevent this, not only from a sense of obligation and honor, but also because he's in love with the royal cleaning lady. 

 

So far, so bonkers. Being done by the Wachowsksis, "Jupiter Ascending" fields copious amounts of CGI in order to sell the scope of the story - a galactic epic in traditional, never-changing love-story-structure - and breathtaking scenery. What it does not field, unfortunately, is good casting or chemistry between the lead actors. Tatum is alright as the Space Werewolf, although the stoic seriousness of the role isn't a natural fit for him. 

 

Mila Kunis, on the other hand, doesn't sell the downtrodden cleaning lady on the margins of society for one second. She's also not really excelling as the starry-eyed heiress to be, marvelling at the wonders of what she is experiencing (a thankless role under the best of circumstances, given the batshit-crazy shit happening around her). But as mentioned, the biggest breaking point for me is the lacking chemistry with Tatum; their love story never catches any fire. 

 

Sean Bean is very serviceable in a role that doesn't demand much of him, and the supporting actors are also alright. The greatest sticking point for many would be Eddie Redmayne's performance as the main antagonist, who has an...interesting choice of acting style for it. Whispering hoarsely most of the time, he unpredictably breaks out into bouts of shouting. I like the shameless overacting, but it doesn't mesh at all with Tatum's stoicism and would be much more appropriate for a MORE bonkers style, for which the Wachowskis should have gone. 

 

But they're playing it straight as a generic space opera, which I guess is the biggest mistake. Redmayne seems to think he's in "Speed Racer 2", which would have been the way to go in my opinion, while Tatum acts like he is in a new Matrix movie or something. Nothing fits. 

 

The problem is less with the individual parts. The plot, the characters, the ideas, everything is sound. But it's like several people stitched the movie together without talking to each other during the process. And that's a real shame, because a self-contained blockbuster with a three figure budget (million, that is) and bereft of any setup for a cinematic universe or even a sequel is nothing one really sees anymore.