Series I stopped watching

 

 Warning: Contains spoilers for Dexter, The Tudors, Jericho, Supernatural, Smallville, Heroes, Prison Break and others.

I have watched quite a bit of series. Some of them I stopped watching in mid-season. I don't like to stop watching something, as I don`t like stop reading something. Not only do I then not know how it will end - which in some cases really doesn`t matter that much - but my inner demon tells me that then everything before will be wasted time, and who wants to waste time, right? Nonetheless, there is some stuff I didn't finish, and now I will take the time to tell you why, and you may stop reading anytime and consider what you've read up to this point as wasted time. So, here we go.

Natural fit for Netflix for obvious reasons.

13 Reasons Why. Watched: The first two episodes. Not a really bad series by any means, if you're willing to overlook wooden dialogue, but it failed to click for me. The characters just don't interest me, and in a series in which the whole premise is to figure out what these characters did and how they connect to each other, that's pretty much a death sentence. Also the Highschool is totally unbelievable. Why do movies have such a big problem depicting school in a halfway believable way?

Would try picking up again: Certainly not. 

 

Scoring 10 of 10 on the mediocre-o-meter.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Watched: The first three episodes. Agents of SHIELD is by no means a bad series, but it isn't particularily good, either. There's a mission, there are characters that try to be interesting, and there's the Marvel appeal, but on the other hand, the writing is very stereotypical bordering the cliche, you can't really get into the storyline and the lines aren't especially gripping, so I stopped. 

Would try picking up again: Not likely, but more because time is limited. 

 

Imitating Michelangelo does not score points with this script. 

Altered Carbon. Watched: The first 30 minutes. Altered Carbon was one of those shows that Netflix really pushed, trying to generate the next big hit. As far as I know it never became one, and boy is it deserved. I'm feeling bad for James Purefoy, who I really want to see in more productions, but COME ON, this is so cheaply geared towards the lowest common denominator, writing by committee, it's actually insulting to watch.

Would try picking up again:  No, no, no. 

 

 

Look, a diverse cast telling you they really thought hard about it for two minutes.

Around the World in 80 Days. Watched: First 30 minutes. There are two ways one could adapt content like the Victorian era Jules Verne classic "Around the World in 80 Days". You can make it into a period piece and show the vagaries of the era, or you could modernize it. Best thing would be not adapting it at all, but I digress. This series does neither, but rather modernizes its characters into the typically half-assed fashion that brings the big bucks to Disney, fails in bringing whimsical humor to the piece and is generally an atrocity to watch. Stay away. 

Would try picking up again: Fuck, no.

Totally not Batman.

Arrow. Watched: First ten minutes of the first episode. I wasn't sure whether or not to include this one, because I literally only saw the first ten minutes and then quitted in disgust. It was such a bad Batman ripoff, with such a laughable character setup, ridiculous dialogue and clichees dripping out of every corner that I couldn't help myself. I'm told it gets better, but no thanks.

Would try picking up again: God no. 

 

Never has saving the world be that joyful. 

Avatar - The Last Airbender. Watched: Four episodes. I never got into Anime, but I decided to try my hand at "Avatar", given the glowing recommendations it always gets. However, neither the setting nor the characters gripped me, and I just can't stand several Anime conventions, like the silly humor, the constant nonverbal sounds characters make and so much more. It's just not my genre, and so, I gave up.

Would try picking up again: Maybe? But I'd need a good reason. 

 

Sorry, these stories don't get better if you make the hero female. 

Away. Watched: The first 24 minutes. This is show is dumb like a bag of hammers. Ostensibly about the first crewed expedition to Mars, the series puts an emphasis on the human drama. The crew of five "astronauts" (using the term loosely here) is so grossly incompetent that they shouldn't have survived an internship, and the authorities on the ground behave like an especially laxly managed frat house as well. All of this to generate DRAMA in capital letters. It's fucking awful, and I'll neither get back these 24 minutes nor the brain cells that dies witnessing them. 

Would try picking up again: No, it's awful.

Never ask them what happened to Babylon 1-4.

Babylon 5. Watched: The pilot.  I know of the status that this series has, and I was repeatedly told that it suited my tastes, but the pilot at least was pretty boring, the special effects around the level of Wing Commander III, and the make-up reminded me uncanningly of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Perhaps I will give it another try some day, but right now, it didn't compel me enough to watch.

Would try picking up again: I don't think so, because the series is just too old and I feel I can't do it justice. 

 

It's about Weimar Germany! You can tell by the fashion.

Babylon Berlin. Watched: The pilot. This police procedural is set in 1920s Germany (you don't guess which city), where some routine investigations get mixed up with a conspiracy to illegally arm the Reichswehr. While the topic is incredibly interesting to me, the series' pilot left me cold. The whole construction and setup were way too conventional, relying on cardboard characterizations and plot handwaving to keep me interested.

Would try picking up again: Maybe. More optimistic on this than many other things.

This was really scary when I was a kid.

Batman: The Animated Series. Watched: The first three episodes,  and a bit of stuff back in the 90s. The Batman animated series has achieved cult status, and rightly so. It has a firm grasp of mood and style, going for a, well, gothic 1930s vibe that is very much its own thing. The stories are surprisingly mature for a kid's series and have well thought arcs and all. However, I'm still an adult closer to 40 than 30, and this remains a cartoon for kids, albeit a very good one. And so, I simply couldn't bring myself to keep watching.

Would try picking up again: Maybe, if given a reason. 

 

Orlando Bloom, desperate to find relevance again.

Carnival Row. Watched: The first 15 minutes of the pilot. Given the sheer number of shows out there, I'm not much into giving the benefit of the doubt to stuff that sells me its main characters by showing me that they're willing to perform acts of violence on random people. Maybe it gets better later, I don't know. But the whole thing reminds me a lot of Blight, and that's really not something you want to see yourself compared to.

Would try picking up again: I cannot see why, it was bad. 

 

Bonus points for style in any case.

Cowboy Beebop. Watched: The pilot. Not being a fan of Anime, I obviously haven't seen the original that this Netflix adaptation is based on, so I can't comment on anything in that area. However, I did not like the adaptation. Not because it's bad, necessarily, I'm just not the intended target audience, I feel. It's incredibly silly, full of badassery, and seems to aimed squarely at fans of the Anime as well as younger audiences. I dig the style of the show, but the characters and plot left me cold, and the dialogues made me groan.

 

They forgot to mention "tits" in the teaser.

Damnation. Watched: The pilot. In this series, in Dustbowl America evil bankers are terrorizing farmers who just want to make a living. The latter are edged on by a guy masquerading as a priest who is a secret revolutionary, while the former are supported by his older brother, who really likes to murder people. In between are a lot of shoot-outs, sex scenes with prostitutes and girl-friends, grizzly murders and some dirty politics, and that's all just the pilot. For me, it was just too much on the side of forced grittiness, with a lot of violence and sex, very stilted dialogue, cardboard characters etc., so it was not enticing to watch on.

Would try picking up again: If I didn't have this list, I'd already forgotten this existed twice over, so, no. 

"You know, the one where the first season is good."

Daredevil. Watched: Two seasons. The Marvel series aims for a pulpy feeling, with seedy characters and a narrative grounded in a Hell's Kitchen real estate fight, only with mobsters, ninjas and superpowers. As long as you don't ask where the hell so many ninjas come from, you're fine, because the fight scenes are pretty good. Unfortunately the writing takes a bit of a dive with the arrival of the Punisher in season 2, and the plot starts to get repetitive.

Would try picking up again: As with the other Marvel Netflix series, I can't see what would entice me.

Totally High-Schoolers.

Dawson's Creek. Watched: Two seasons and some episodes. Don't judge me too harshly; this was one of the first series I ever had access to. Recommended by a friend while I was as old as the actors in this show try to pretend to be, this classic of stupid high school drama has it all: totally unbelievable characters and story beats, repetitive structure, self-referential importance and lots of Americana.

Would try picking up again: No, it's a cultural artifact, nothing more. 

 

Team Generic is on it!

DC Titans. Watched: The two episodes. After the slow-rolling failure that was the Marvel Netflix Universe (Netflixverse?), DC is now trying their hand as well with "DC Titans". To give you the tl;dr: It's bad. The lazy kind of bad. Extremely cliched plotlines, cardboard characters, stiff acting, uninspired sets and camera work, the works. The first two episodes have a pacing that's almost ludicrously bad, giving no character any time to breathe at all. Just one example: Our main character is introduced as having a caretaker who knows more than she lets on to, but loves our character very much and has brought her up her entire life. She gets killed in her second scene, our character is a bit sad for a third scene, and for some reason I'm expected to care. Spoiler alert: I don't. You don't give me reason to care. So grab the remote.
Would try picking up again: No way. 

 

Desperate for vierwers, one hopes.

Desperate Housewives. Watched: The pilot. Another one wife asked me to watch, just so I know why I don't like it. Funny thing, I actually don't know why I don't like it because I don't remember much from it. It did the American Beauty thing with the dead main character narrating if I remember correctly, but else? Had some half-way interesting characters and didn't seem totally hopeless, but it simply isn't my genre of field of interest. Definitely better than Pretty Little Liars and its ilk, though.

Would try picking up again:  If you pay me top dollars, maybe. 

 

He looks as bored as I am.

Dexter. Watched: First two-and-a-half seasons. I did come a long way with Dexter. It was praised by several friends whom I attributed at least rudimentary taste in these things, and the premise of the show - a forensic expert is a hidden serial killer - sounded interesting enough. I made into the midst of the third season before I finally quit, after watching three or four episodes in a row that left me cold like if I was Dexter myself. Already in season 1, several problems presented itself, of which the biggest was the lack of cohesion. The characters did whatever the plot required of them at that moment, and they didn't do it because they were compelled, to quote Rorchach. Believability was absent from the show from the beginning. This is evident by such simple things as money. In so many shows and movies, money is nothing one needs to be concerned with. As a police detective, you simply jump in a cab in your time off to follow a lead on your own, because, well, money grows on trees and these characters don't have a private life to begin with. Absurdely, they also own lavish apartments they could never afford on their salary. But money doesn't get into it, it's there when needed. Dexter also lacked serious character motivations, which led to frequent overacting and more and more absurd character development (or lack thereof). Written out like this, I fail to understand how I suffered it to season 3. 

Would try picking up again:I don't see a reason to watch even more mediocre stuff. 

 

After taking this picture, everyone went back to the social class they belonged to.

Downton Abbey. Watched: the first three seasons. Downton Abbey is a bit of a guilty pleasure. While watching, you know how wrong it is, with its glorification of the reactionary British nobility back in the 1910s and 1920s and with all the justification for horrible social circumstances with at best superficial criticism thereof. But boy, did they make it work. It's so incredibly schmalzy, so clicheed, but it still works because of the great looks and good character performances. And of course, most important of all, scripts that are able to pull all the emotional levers required. But after three seasons, you feel like that one time in the year where you eat at McDonalds: oversaturated, swollen and slightly disgusted. 

Would try picking up again: Nah, I just can't in good conscience ignore the flaws.

 

Starting the culture war of whether it's better than the Simpsons. 

Futurama. Watched: Three Seasons. I don't know why at some point I stopped watching Futurama. I binged on it when I was a student, and maybe three seasons was all I had available and later I never bothered picking it up again. It's funny enough, but I'm just not a guy for comedy, I guess. I'm still unsure whether I like Futurama or the Simpsons more.

Would try picking up again: Why not? But not in a binge manner, most likely. 

 

In really small letters on the pavement.

Goliath. Watched: First 15 minutes. In this series, an attorney fallen from grace gets a case that only he and his superior abilities can solve, provided he can get himself off the booze and cigarettes. It's a waste of Billy Bob Thornton in the leading role, with dialogue that lets his estranged ex-wive exclaim to her fellow lawyers just what a genius he is. Bwah.

Would try picking up again: No reason, there's no lack of bad series out there. 

 

"Let's all look naturally. Act, like in the show!"

Gossip Girl. Watched: About half of the pilot. Same reason for watching as with "Pretty Little Liars", but this one is even worse. The characters are even flatter and more stereotyped, if that's even possible, the constant voice-over is irritating at best, and the setting and dialogues absolutely cringeworthy. Get away with this shit.

Would try picking up again: No, no, no.

People. Looking at you.

Gotham. Watched: The first ten minutes of the pilot. I was a bit sceptical about Gotham, because I simply can't imagine the premise amounting to anything. The teenage years of Gotham's villains aren't exactly something that needs to be explored and will most likely amount to a bunch of malarkey. The character of Jim Gordon has nothing to do with the Jim Gordon we see later, and the dialogue is cringe-worthy bad. On the plus-side, the actors try their best with the material they're given and the visual style is pretty well done.

Would try picking up again: Again, no lack of bad to mediocre super hero series out there. 

His face is him looking at the script.

Hannibal. Three Seasons. Watched: Everything but the last five episodes. I don't really understand how I finished this series. I didn't really like season 1, liked season 2 less and thought season 3 was awful. Its main draw is the great production design and Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal, but the rest of the cast, especially Hugh Dancy, are utterly unable to carry the thing.  

Would try picking up again: Don't think so.

Created by Tim Kring, as it never fails to remind you.

Heroes. Watched: First two seasons. Heroes was my first love after being weaned from Smallville. A consecutive story, interesting characters, nice themes - it was really exciting, and we burned through the episodes. Then, the long wait for season 2. When it finally came, it was underwhelming, to say the least, but it was Heroes! It had to be great. After the last episode of season 2 was over, it hadn't been, though. Tim Kring's supposed masterpiece fell into the trap of bloating itself up with epic scale, which is a common mistake. Heroes, season 1, already told you about "Save the cheerleader, save the world", but in the end, it was just an attempt to defeat Sylar and not get blasted - a plot to prevent disaster. In season 2, they did what I like to call the "DragonBall effect" and gave everything just one potency level more. It also became more unfocused. Several plotlines had no connection to each other, and with the scale of the story growing the scale of the human emotions that drives every good story shrank. After hearing from several people that season 3 was even worse, I never bothered trying it. A shame, really, because Heroes is another show that could have been great.

Would try picking up again: Hahahahahaha no. Way too old for that.

We're old enough now for this to be really nostalgic.

Highscore. Watched: The first three episodes. In this documentary series, important milestones of video game history are visited. While there are classics in - Space Invaders, the foundation of Nintendo, etc. - the series has a surprising amount of people and games in it that aren't widely known but who were the respective firsts in the fields. They are also having a strong focus on the community, which is good. However, I simply couldn't sustain interest enough to watch all these well-made episodes. Time constraints of real life being what they are...

Would try picking up again: Nah, didn't catch me enough the first time around, no reason it will later.

He was a lot better in Band of Brothers.

Homeland. Watched: First season. I wrote about it in detail, check it out here. 

Would try picking up again: Nope, not my genre anway. Never really was and surely has only degraded for me.

  

When a political drama gets bloody, something's deeply wrong.

House of Cards. Watched: The first season. House of Card's Frank Underwood is bound to moments of great entertaintment, especially when he snarkily comments on some really stupid stuff other people are doing, but unfortunately, the plot is quickly derailed by writers afraid of their own courage and borders the totally insane. The Vice President of the United States murdering inconvenient senators and journalists is perhaps a bit much, but unfortunately, someone thought this to be a good idea. I sincerely hope there won't be a third season, but I had to realize weeks after the second season was out that I stopped caring about this, so it came here.

Would try picking up again: No, since I really don't care for the nihilism at all. 

The look on their faces when they first saw the script.

Jericho. Watched: 16 episodes. Oh boy. How much could they have done with that one! "The Day After", only as a series, with interesting characters...oh wait, there weren't any. There were walking clichees. Again, we were forced to watch the midwestern town, where ordinary people have their heart at the right place and overcome serious problems that don`t really look that serious. I haven't seen such a cheerful apocalypse since Kevin Costner's "Postman". People don't even get dirty. After several weeks into the nuclear apocalypse, their cloths are still in perfect shape, their cheeks clean shaven. Such sloppiness in ambience really bugs me. Jericho suffered from an even greater problem, though. The writers didn't seem to have much confidence in it, because they decided to write a super-idiotic conspiracy plot into the show basically from day one. If you don't know what to do with your material, make a conspiracy out of it. But, seriously, even Lost survived some episodes without it. I didn't even finish Jericho's first season, and now I know why they cancelled it so quickly and really mourn the money.

Would try picking up again: Nope, and I sold the DVDs long ago.

Lips to make Angelina Jolie envious.

Jessica Jones. Watched: One season. Daredevil's little sister is a freakishly strong private detective who tries to break the spell that a supervillain named Kilgrave has over her, protecting herselves and other victims in the process. The themes the show tries to develop are mature and very undercovered in fiction of all sorts, but unfortunately, the writing isn't up to the challenge and delivers really bad dialogue and crappy plotting at least half of the time.  

Would try picking up again: On danger of repeating me, but enough mediocrity to go around. 

 

There's an obvious joke applying the title to the series but it's not actually bad.

Kevin can go f*** himself. Watched: Two episodes. This series has a really cool premise. When perennial loser and slacker Kevin is in the picture, the show is a sitcom, complete with the 4:3 aspect ratio and laughter tracks, whereas with his wife (who is the real main character) it's drama in 16:9 and muted colors. However, it didn't grip me nor my wife, and we abandoned it.

Would try picking up again: If you convinced me that for some reason it wildly improves, yes. 

 

The licence was very cheap.

Krypton. Watched: The first ten minutes. This series explores the background of Superman's ancestral home and his clan of El. The scenes on Krypton were practically the best part of "Man of Steel", and the idea to expand on that is good in theory, but low production values, bad dialogue and utterly uncharismatic leads bury any interest I might have had in seconds. All of it reeks like "15-year-olds may find it cool", and I'm decidedly not that target demographic.

 

Looks like the 90s. Cheap and without taste.

Las Vegas. Watched: The pilot. I picked the first season up at the same time as The Shield, watched the first episode and put the thing on ebay, where some poor sucker luckily bid for it. I couldn't tell you why it was bad. I don't remember anything about it. Seriously. Normally, especially concerning series I didn't like, I at least remember why I hated them. But this one...I'm surprised I remember its existence, honestly.

Would try picking up again: You read my remarks above, didn't you? 

 

Two people looking determined, and one puppy.

Line of Duty. Watched: The first half of the pilot. In this crime series, the internal affairs division of the British police is investigating other police people. I didn't care for anything that was happening on the screen, so while I can recount a few plot points, I don't know if there is more to it than that. Failed to grap me in every respect; actors, setting, dialogue, style. Maybe it's for you. I hear good things. 

Would try picking up again: Unlikely.

 

Strong man in search for a strong script.

Luke Cage. Watched: Eight episodes. Luke Cage is the (currently) third Marvel series on Netflix. Following a cross-over in "Jessica Jones", Luke Cage now takes center-stage. The cultural setting in Harlem works as well as Daredevil's does for Hell's Kitchen, and the plot is grounded and local enough not to overreach. The acting is good, as is the soundtrack, but the show has some serious pacing issues in the middle where the plot starts to get ludicrous as well, and after the grueling experience of Jessica Jones, I called it quits.

Would try picking up again: If I were to prepare a lecture on why the 13-episodes-Netflix format was a mistake, maybe. 

 

Rorchach tests may hide an actual lack of depth. 

Mindhunter. Watched: One season. Mindhunter is one of those "it should be better than it actually is" things. I mean, it's directed by David Fincher, for christsakes. But the characters are totally incoherent and their dialogue often cringeworthy. The show does have a lot of strengths, cinematography chief among them, and the middle stretch of the first season is far superior to its beginning and end, showcasing many of those strengths. Much of the storyline and the characters, though, seem to have been written on the cheap.

Would try picking up again: Maybe yes. It was the most promising of the mediocre stuff. 

 

Badass costume, underwhelming series.

Moon Knight. Watched: Two-and-a-half episodes. Moon Knight has the dubious claim to fame to be the series that broke the camel's back for me. I'm sorry. I watched Falcon and the Winter Soldier, WandaVision, Loki. Every one was at best mediocre. Moon Knight has promise, in theory. I mean, Ethan Hawke and Oscar Isaac in the main roles?! But it's just beyond dumb and silly in story, dialogue and all, and the promised horror angle proves to be a major copout, too. I'm done with this consensus machine. And after Spiderman: No Way Home, I'm close to giving up on the MCU in general. 

Would try picking up again: Naaaaah.

 

His face when he read the script.

Narcos. Watched: One season and one episode. This series is a mix between a documentary and drama, which is a bit odd. It recreates the story of the first sixteen years of Pablo Escobars reign of narco terror, leaving the last bloody sixteen months for season 2 and the continuing story of the Columbian cartels for the afterthought of a "oh, that succesful, let's mine it"-decision in Netflix' corporate board. This leads to the ostensible main characters, two DEA agents played by Pedro Pascal and a generic white male hunk I don't even have the interest to google, being rather bland and out of the narrative for long stretches of time. That's not my main issue with the series, though. Much more important to my belated cancellation is the gratuitous glorification of violence and toxic masulinity. It's incredible how repetitive fucking hookers and mistresses, snorting coke and shooting people can become. Add to that the absolut toxic mix of "violence is sexy, and it's necessary to defeat crime, you snowflake"-attitude that the show brings, and I'm wondering why I didn't stop sooner, trying to find the good on the ground of it. None was there. 

Would try picking up again: Very unlikely, but never say never.

 

"Really, man? Another two seasons of this?"

Narcos: Mexico. Watched: One-and-a-half episodes. Why, after the bad impression that the original Narcos left me with, did I try its sister show? Two names for you: Diego Luna and Scoot McNairy. Unfortunately, the script does the former no favors, and the latter is practically abused by screenwriters and director and should file for damages. The damn thing starts with a voice-over with that oh-so-cynical, world-weary attitude of "you civilians know nothing let me explain why only men with no restraint for violence can solve this". Then, the main character's wife glowingly tells him to follow his dreams, she'll support him all the way and I puke. I made it another hour into this, then they shot a horse, randomly cursed into the telephone, cursed at their other people, made quibs about dead people and I was sure I wasn't waiting around for some McNairy magic that might or might not appear. 

Would try picking up again: Only if I'd finished the original first.

It's also the new torture porn.

Orange is the new black. Watched: Five seasons and two episodes. This is a really weird series, moving back and forth between comedy and tragedy, making you care for characters in one minute and laughing about them in the next. The series starts off as entertaining but becomes increasingly gripping, especially in seasons three and four. You should watch this for the emotional rollercoaster ride it presents alone. However, I stopped when season 6 started to pander REALLY hard to its progressive audience half of the time and delved into pure misery porn in the other.

Would try picking up again: Very unlikely.  

Too many orphans, too much blackness.

Orphan Black. Watched: Eleven episodes. Another series that already overstays its welcome in season 1, and there are like four of this thing. The concept is that a woman finds out there are several clones of her leading radically different lives, and someone's after them and mystery and McGuffin and GOD I'M BORED ALREADY. The main drag on this is that a charming idea in theory - an actress portrays radically different versions of her character, from suburban housewive to hipster hacker to Punk - cannot be pulled off by the lead actress, leading to crass overacting and overwriting of these characters and turning them into caricatures that don't allow me to actually emphasize with them. 

Would try picking up again: No. I'd need to rewatch it first because I forgot the plot, and that's not about to happen. 

 

Staring into the distance, while armed. Makes for a good photo-op since 1734.

Outlander. Watched: One episode. I don't remember much about this, to be honest. I wanted to like it because I dig Tobias Menzies, and there's too little he's in, but the series didn't catch me despite the subject matter in theory appealing to me. I guess it's a bit too much on the generic side of things. 

Would try to pick up again: No, there's just too much better stuff around.

Pretty only if you like inches of make-up.

Pretty Little Liars. Watched: The pilot. Not exactly what I'd ususally watch. I was persuaded by some students in the last days before the summer holidays to watch "one of their series". Well, I did. It sucks ass. Not only is the writing incredibly lazy and the camera-work boringly uninspired, the acting is also sub-par with most other entries in this category and the story resembling a Swiss cheese with the plot holes and all in the pilot already. Add on that the professional jealousy for the rich and beautiful induced to the audience and the promotion of harmful gender stereotypes. Lazy, boring, stupid. Count me out.

Would try picking up again: No, no, no. 

Adding a high-level conspiracy to a prison break. What could possibly go wrong?

Prison Break. Watched: First two seasons. The premise did sound very exciting. A guy gets himself imprisoned and stages a high-level escape for his brother. Ususally, this would involve Clint Eastwood and 90 minutes of suspense, but with more time it could possibly make for some really exciting TV. And it did in one half of its first season, the half that was not killed by a conspiracy plot. Again, the writers seemed to have lost faith in their own brain child, deciding to add some mystery. As it is nearly always the case with these things, logic and believability go right out the window. In the first season, the conspiracy plot is distracting, but you suffer through it to get back at the action in prison. In the second season, when they are running through the US, it becomes predominant, and even more stupid. But at one point, they had to solve it, season finale, thing was over. Of course, you didn't make your calculation with the execs, did you? Ratings were good enough, so they needed a third season for what should have been a mini-series to start with. And for that, they added an even bigger conspiracy, even less logic, and resetted all to the first episode of season 1, just meaner. Wow. I never even bothered with season 3. Really, had they made a mini-series, it would have been hell of a ride, dense and exciting. Now, it's bloated and stupid. Great call.

Would try picking up again: Certainly not.

A series set in a 50s asylum with lots of weird people. Innovative approach.

Rachted. Watched: The pilot. Another Netflix series with the premise of exploring the backstory of Nurse Ratched from "One flew over the cuckoos nest". It's set in the 1950s, and its pilot leaves out no clichee about asylums or the period, while managing to be all over the place and heavily reliant on hand waving to make the already incredibly convolued plot work. Count me out. 

Would try picking up again: One more case in which there is no lack of mediocre shit to watch.

Booooooooooring.

Resident Alien. Watched: The first 15 minutes of the pilot. The general idea is solid: an alien impersonates a doctor, gets drafted by the police to solve murders and does so thanks to superior intellect, but struggles to pass as human. It's weighed down by stilted dialogue, uninteresting characters, wild and badly executed swings in tone and a paint-by-numbers-approach to more interesting ideas, of which there aren't many to begin with. 

Would try picking up again: Nope.

 

Revolutionizing exactly nothing.

Revolution. Watched: The first ten minutes of the pilot. Like with Arrow, I literally only watched the first ten minutes and then gave up. The beginning setup is bad enough (the writer responsible for "science just went crazy" should be shot), but then we get our first scene in the little village, where we're introduced to our heroes and the bad guys, and the scene is just so ludicrous in its predictability and clichee bullshit that I groaned in pain. When the girl character then rolls out her Tough-Chick-Routine, with the rest of the cast trailing along for the sake of the plot, I quit. Thanks, but no thanks. Besides, it was a disappointment, visually. I hate post-apocalyptic settings in which everyone still has access to top-notch makeup, brand-new cloths and designer coiffeurs. 

Would try picking up again: Is this even on anywhere?

You don't want to spend several seasons in a Ferris wheel, nor should you with this show.

Sherlock. Watched: Two seasons and two episodes. Before watching Sherlock, I wouldn't have thought that the story of a genius detective might get me excited. However, Sherlock does the trick. It's not that they would develop Sherlock into a real character (Robert Downey Jr.'s version has more depth), it's the blatant statement that they don't even bother. Sherlock is a hyper-genius on his field, larger than life, all his traits amplified. This works because of really clever plots, great dialogue and superb acting by the leads Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. The routine does get a bit stale in season 3, however, and didn't really interest me enough to continue once I had stopped. I could go on longer about the problems, but someone already did it.

Would try picking up again: No. It's likely one of the more qualitative interesting things I dropped.  

A series about coroners. That should cheer you up!

Six Feet Under: Watched: Two or three episodes. This is one of those that's not really bad, at least as far as I remember (it has been awhile), but that just didn't grab me, concept-wise. Perhaps it was too artsy for my then unrefined tastes (ahem), I don't know. The travails of the coroner business did not hold their sway over me. Never made it past the initial two or three episodes.  

Would try picking up again: Absolutely. Just need a reason, I guess.

Gimli is in it.

Sliders. Watched: Two episodes. An interesting concept in theory - a ragtag team of characters exploring parallel dimensions with what-could've-been versions of earth - gets bogged down quickly by the farcical nature of it. The problem with concepts like this is that they tend to portray very one-note versions and go for the obvious instead of the subversive, telling us more about the smugness of their creators as of the question pondered. 

Would try picking up again:  No, artifact of its time, nothing there today. 

 

Kansas. Who doesn't love the place?

Smallville. Watched: First five seasons. Prepare yourself. I watched the first five seasons. Now strike me. In my defense, Smallville was the first series I ever watched. It was my entry into the world of series and its unique and compelling storytelling. You don't want to remember the first dungeon crawl either, right? That's Smallville for me. It's utterly stupid, and the constant "Oh no, sex is bad, let's just talk about it instead" gets old a bit after five seasons, let me tell you. But nothing compared to the ultimate plot driver in the world of Smallville, which lacks one invention humanity made presumably 5000 years ago: doors. No building in Smallville has a door. There is no other explanation. Virtually none of the plots would work if there was a door with a lock, because the plots are ignited by someone stumbling into a room and seeing something he isn't supposed to see. This includes, by the way, the mansion of a billionaire who received death threats and has a private security detail. And don't get me started on the ridiculous episode where they pandered to the Vampire hype and let Superman fight a dorm house of hot female vampires. Seriously. I stopped watching after season 5, because, thankfully, they hadn't translated the sixth season into German fast enough before I found something better. Today, it wouldn't stop me, but back then I trembled on the idea of watching an entire season in English. Lo and behold, what a few years can change.

Would try picking up again: Certainly not.

Not depicted: blood and sex. But there's a lot of that, no worries.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Watched: The first episode. When people talk about gratuitous sex and violence in "Game of Thrones", they supposedly never saw this travesty. Its sole reason of being is satisfying the most infantile instincts, appealing to gore and tits. The characters are paper-thin, the dialogue is laughable, the acting at times unappealing and at times ridiculous. It hurts seeing that this shit is going on season after season, where good shows have been cancelled.

Would try picking up again: No, I don't have the need to watch blood-and-tits stuff for 16-year-olds.

Unironically celebrating violence and misoginy.

Sons of Anarchy. Watched: six seasons. This is a very similar case to Lost: despite knowing better, I just kept watching. There's a tag for the show in the sidebar on the right, where I wrote more extensive reviews and stuff about it, but suffice to say that the plot is often lackluster and the characters lack severely in depth and development. The show excels in its portrayal of action and chase scenes, though, and at least at times manages to get genuine suspense and excitment in its run despite the formulaic approach. I stopped after season 6 mostly for the reason that the final season wasn't out then, and haven't returned since.

Would try picking up again: If so, only to get it off this fucking list, but I don't care enough.

 

What if Star Trek, but with more action?

Star Trek Discovery. Watched: eight episodes. I am not sold on this series at all. It often looks pretty bad (the Klingons in particular), the dialogue is choppy, the characters incoherent and the story all over the place. This could have been much better than it actually is, especially given the themes that are begun but rarely followed conclusively in favor of mystery and fantasy plots and cliched story arc resolution. The plotlines are also dumb! The total lowpoint was episode 7, but after episode 8 was just a steaming pile of random bullshit too, I stopped. 

Would try picking up again: Very unlikely, as I don't have the enthusiasm. 

 

Going where no bad CGI has ever gone before. 

Star Trek Enterprise. Watched: The first two episodes. I have no luck with Star Trek, apparently. This series is weird in its conception already, and I can't remember much about it other than I found the whole setting unappealing, the actors bland and the CGI really bad. The plot was somehow trying to engage me on the vital question of whether the Klingons would become a threat to Earth, and even I know that they're the major baddies in that universe for quite some time, so...what the fuck?

Would try picking up again: The effects were bad then, and time was not kind. No.

 

Is this the screen test for the ever elusive R-rated Tarantino Star-Trek-movie?

Star Trek Lower Decks. Watched: The pilot. The setup of this series is intriguing: instead of the same old senior staff on the bridge and their adventures making first contact, we follow the lives of the deckhands on the lower decks on a ship making second contact, where they're doing the boring, bureaucratic stuff and menial work. However, the over-reliance of the show on gruesome (cartoon) violence is really odd and doesn't add anything other than shock value, and the same is true of the crass humor, cursing and general bufoonery that is the best part of the dialogue. Just reading your lines very fast does not make good humor.    

Would try picking up again: Not unless someone gives me a compelling reason.

Degrading season by season. 

Stranger Things. Watched: Two seasons and two episodes. In the beginning, the blend of Steven Spielberg, John Carpenter and Stephen King works really well. The story takes place in 1983 rural Indiana and lets three kids search for their friend who's trapped by a monster in a parallel dimension. There are dirt bikes, D&D gaming sessions and government conspiracies underwritten by great actors, so what are you waiting for? In the second season, the quality drops unfortunately. And this continues even further in season 3, so I stopped watching the whole sorry thing. 

Would try picking up again: I'm actively angry with this show, so, unlikely. 

 

A softie and a badass, what could possibly go wrong?

Supernatural. Watched: First season. Two brothers chasing ghosts and other supernatural stuff, hunted by the demon that killed their mother, trained by their now missing father - solid premise, if you ask me. The actors weren't half bad, but not brillant either. It worked out. In the first half of the series or so, the episodes didn't really have that much connection with each other, each telling its individual story. It was like a lottery; one time, you'll get a good episode, one time, it really sucks. Later in the first season, they actually try to make sense of it, bringing daddy in and letting them charge at the demon (or whatever it was, I don't really remember). The story mainly worked on the actors looking scampered and creating suspense out of thin air by letting something supernatural appear whenever they needed it. That way, they covered a lot of ground, but neither story not characters did progress in any meaningful way, so I never bothered with season 2. Since then, many people have told me that it starts to get good at season 3, but when someone can't tell a story for two consecutive seasons, it's not worth the bother in my eyes. 

Would try picking up again: Another artifact of its time, so, no. 

 

Behold a lump of bad CGI.

Swamp Thing. Watched: The first 30 minutes. I didn't manage to read the graphic novel, which I found in turns unengaging and baffling. The series doesn't baffle me, it's just not engaging. The storytelling it showcases in its first half-hour is riddled with dumb cliches, the characters are behaving like raving idiots, and the CGI is incredibly bad. 

Would try picking up again: nope.

 

Jeremy Irons, front and center. His hands, anyway.

The Borgias. Watched: First three episodes. It's not like the show is bad. I think I watched the first two, perhaps three episodes, and I almost intended to continue. Now it's how many years later? I haven't done so, so it seemed fair to me to include it in here. I can't put the finger on why I stopped to watch the thing. Perhaps it was just unremarkable. Solid work, solid cast, solid plot, but nothing that really grabbed me. Perhaps it felt too similar to "The Tudors", which I described above. There are some striking parallels, after all.

Would try picking up again: No, it's just another blood and violence show disguising itself in historic clothing. 

Boy(s), does the creator want to be the guy in the middle.

The Boys. Watched: Two seasons. This comic adaptation sees Amazon try to do the same thing twice, once with "Invincible" (see above) as a cartoon and then with "The Boys" as a real series. The premise: super heroes exist, and they're just the worst, unaccountable and powerful. Our main character becomes part of the titular Boys, a group trying to bring them down. There are some interesting ideas in the by now worn-out formula, such as a the corporate identity of the superheroes, but boy(s), this show sucks with heaps of toxic masculinity, cliched dialogue, bad writing and tons of gore to pass itself as "mature" to audiences of 16-year-olds. I did a podcast on it, too.

Would watch again: Oh boy(s), hell fucking no.

 

 

 

Pictured: An incredibly subtle metaphor.

The Handmaid's Tale. Watched: The first seven episodes. The Hulu miniseries is a stunning piece of visual storytelling and punches you in the gut repeatedly. Its story has an eerily contemporary feel to it, and despite all its over-emphasis in terms of metaphor and plot the danger of a backlash against emancipation is all too real. It all gets a  bit too much, though, and devolves into torture porn, which is why I didn't finished it, nor am I interested in the second season.

Would try picking up again: No, too much misery to endure. 

 

Listen to the liberal demigod, he is so much smarter than you are!

The Newsroom. Watched: The first season and one episode of season 2. I love Sorkin as much as the next guy, but in this one, his inner demons got the better of him. His idolizing stance of workaholicism, the permanent denegration of women, and above all the condescending style of it all was too much to bear. As a liberal, I could enjoy the West Wing well enough, but The Newsroom is just a step too far, with the protagonists being these saint-like creatures, always shouting and enraged in the true fight for good. Gnah.

Would try picking up again:No, the self-loathing is too much to bear. 

 

Not quite sure what they're shielding.

The Shield. Watched: The first season. Also not a bad series by any means, I watched the whole first season. It was on discount at Amazon together with Las Vegas at some point, for 10 Euro each, so I gave it a shot. But reaching the end of season 1, I never felt an urge to know how it would go on. There are some interesting things in there, especially the morally dark grey areas in which the characters prod around, but I started watching The Wire at around the same time, and watching at two police series seemed a bit excessive, and there could be no question which one would survive my scrutiny. I have read numerous times by now that the show really gains in the later seasons, which would technically be enough to give it a try, but my time is too limited by now, and I mostly stick with the series I already watch.

Would try picking up again: Unlikely, but possible, given the good reviews it created. 

 

Most famous American family, to the dismay of conservatives. 

The Simpsons. Watched: Three seasons and a scattershot of episodes. I don't know how many people watched ALL of Simpsons, but I guess most people watched at least a bit. This is one of the most important shows of all time, and I tried to watch all of it because I felt I should. Maybe I'll finish it at some point. Maybe not. We'll see. 

Would try picking up again:  Sure, but I don't see me binging it. 

 

These are two people, not a staircase. I call bullshit.

 The Staircase. Watched: The first episode. In this glitzy HBO True Crime drama, the case of novelist Michael Peterson is taken up and dramatized. The story kicks off with the death of his wife, apparently from a fall down the stairs, but the police quickly moves and makes into a murder case. Is Peterson guilty? - It's competently made and great actors are cast, but I just can't bring myself to muster enough interest into how rich people are having rich people concerns over a deeply corrupted judicial and media system. 

Would try picking up again: I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts, when you read this, you don't even remember this existed.

 

Try as you want, you sure as hell won't seduce me.

The Tudors. Watched: First two seasons. The first season of The Tudors I found interesting. Sam Neill was great as Wolsey and provided an interesting and exciting counterpart to King Henry. The second season...not so much. The first season had an interesting and well functioning diversion between the love plots (who is allowed to fuck Edward when, where and why) and a political subplot about the founding of the Church of England, alliances with France and the German Empire and intrigues at court. When Nathalie Dormer as Anne Boleyn showed up, the plot consisted only of "who fucks when why where". The only other themes where the fight of Thomas More and his ultimate execution. To make up for it, the series dove into brutality porn with their gruesome execution and torture scenes. At the end of the season I had stopped caring and never even considered touching the third, because to see Edward ponder on whether he was in love or not after the question had been resolved fifty times over didn't have great appeal anymore. It was especially jarring to see how the political subplots and intrigues that had made up much of the variety in season 1 where completely beaten into the affair-mode of season 2, where even the question of war with Spain could somehow be reduced to the question of who was getting into Edward's bed. 

Would try picking up again: No, not nearly good or interesting enough for that.

 

The title refers to the director and script.

The Undoing. Watched: Four episodes. This show reminds me a lot about "Defending Jacob", downright to the feeling of wanting it to be over while watching it. Like "Defending Jacob", it has a ridiculously overqualified cast and all the hallmarks of a high-end production, but its script and direction are atrocious. Script first: The dumb shit happening in this thing is beyond belief. Policemen that conduct their interviews purely for dramatic effect, including time and location. A main character that is just doing obviously dumb shit. A laywer that antagonizes everyone. Generally, no one behaves or talks like humans do. It's a shit-show. And the direction makes it worse: the considerable talents of the likes of Kidman and Grant are totally wasted, as their pushed to overact practically every line and emotion. Stay away from this glossy crap.

It went all downhill from this shot.

The Walking Dead. Watched: Six seasons. The series often borders the insanely stupid and boring, with almost non-existent character arcs and the misperception that characters talking endlessly about the same stupid stuff for four seasons in a row would make up for that. Unfortunately, the show is also bound to moments of great fun and excitement, especially if the zombies finally do show up and "the group" (how I hate that term) stops the stupid talk for just a second to split some zombie heads. This, however, doesn't enable me to overlook the increasingly fascist and nihilistic undertones and the sheer unpleasantness of it all, rubbing in the misery constantly and without any point. I despise this thing by now. 

Would try picking up again: No, I can't stand the fascism any longer.

 

It would like to be Game of Thrones on a budget but doesn't even clear that low bar.

The Witcher. Watched: The first one-and-a-half episodes. I've never played the video games or read the novels, so I came into this one unspoiled. It was an atrocious experience. Not only is the editing and pacing nonsensical at times and makes it really hard to follow what's happening (there are so many continuity breaks between shots that you're "huh?" half of the time even when Geralt is just shopping at the market), the dialogue is on a level of bad that makes "Attack of the Clones" look like Shakespeare by comparison. Add to that the cheap-looking costumes and prosthetics and the sub-par CGI, you arrive at an even clearer picture. Plus, neither characters not story make any sense, so I'm just passing on this if it's alright with everyone. 

Would try picking up again: Possible, but unlikely. Too campy for my tastes. 

 

A magic McGuffin!

Tribes of Europa. Watched: the first 15 minutes of the pilot. This German TV show is so hilariously bad that it's almost worth a watch. Almost. The actors are bad beyond belief, the costumes are bad, the CGI is bad, he plot is bad, the dialogue is bad. It's like watching a LARP going on, and boy have I participated in enough of them to grown here.

Would try picking up again: You'd need to pay me big bucks.

Starts good, gets mediocre fast, and then it's downhill from there.

True Blood. Watched: First five seasons. In the first version of this article, back in the day, True Blood was in my list of good series, but that was before I had watched seasons 4 and 5. I stopped after 5, never even bothering for 6. In the beginning, it was interesting, but at some point, the show simply outstayed its welcome. The real trouble started with two plotlines: Lafayette having some witch-capacity and the whole Alcide-and-the-werewolves stuff. Lafayette, like Jason, always had the function of an anchor in the madness of fantasy elements all around. At some point, everyone was able to do some magic stuff. Why? And Alcide certainly is the most uninspired addition to the main cast. As if the Bill vs. Erik struggle for Sookie wasn't tiresome already, we get a third member for the love story, but one that's so uninteresting that you grab your remote. But the show went totally haywire at the end of season 5, when, out of any sensible plotlines, they introduced Lillith as an harbinger of the apocalpyse to raise the stakes (heh) after Russel essentially eliminated any menace that derived from very old and powerful vampires. True Blood, there's a line between cool fantasy ideas and outright sillyness, and you not only crossed it, but jumped over it with both feet.

Would try picking up again:  Very unlikely. It's been so long, I don't remember it well enough - other than my reasons to quit. 

 

 

Veep. Watched: Three Episodes. This political comedy follows the hapless fictional Vice President Selina Meyer and her staff through absolute political meaninglessness and trivial public relations tribulations. I watched three episodes, but it never clicked with me. I didn't really like the cynical undertone of it and found the humor occasionally funny, but not consistently enough. 

Would try picking up again: Maybe? It's not offensive. Give me a reason.

A lot of red. Believe me, there's more to come. 

War of the Worlds. Watched: Almost two episodes. Yeah, I know, a miniseries of three episodes, and I watched almost two. So, why didn't I suffer through the last hour as well? In theory, the idea to remake the old story set in Edwardian England is a good one, but a lot of storytelling spaces remain unused. Most egregious are the main characters. I just couldn't give less of a shit about whether or not they'd reunite. The contemporary coloring has its moments, but there so many anachronisms that they never build up a good ambience, and the cheap looking CGI is no help there, either. Good concept, mediocre execution at best.

Would try picking up again: Unlikely, for the reasons given above. 

 

How could something with such a high standard of production have such bad writing?

Westworld. Watched: One season. The new HBO series intended to replace Game of Thrones is a very expensive spectacle that after an interesting start comes to a pretty screeching halt. The series' problems are twofold: one, the mysteries aren't nearly interesting enough to demand viewing and, two, most of the characters are awfully written. To learn more about this, listen to the double-feature Sean and I did on our podcast. I didn't feel the need to return to this one. 

Would try picking up again: No, I have too little interest inp puzzle boxes. 

 

From the people who brought you "Sharknado". Seriously.

Z Nation. Watched: The first eight minutes of the pilot. Oh my god, this is every bit as awful as it looked in the trailers. I swore to myself not to watch this because it looked batshit awful, but my wife, being a fan of all things zombie, coaxed me into it. And even she groped after the remote only a few minutes in. This thing is so fucking bad, I won't even start to describe why.

Would try picking up again: I won't to back to the Walking Dead, so why to this?

This poster decidedly not conveys what this show is about.

Zoo. Watched: Three episodes. The idea of all animals becoming sentient and then attacking humanity is weird, and there's a story that can be told with it. Or you can go down the route this show did, which is probably the smarter take. Just embrace the weirdness and madness of it. It just wasn't my cup of tea. But it might be yours!

Would try picking up again: Very unlikely, but stranger things have happened.

And writing all this made me realize how much I already watched, and I feel sad and absurdely proud at the same time. To make up for the sadness, a complete list of series I did finish.